The 18-Month Old

Emotional-Behavioral Regulation I: Biting

Dear Pediatric team:
I was so upset yesterday. My 18-month-old toddler bit another child at childcare! Her teacher says that a few other children in the group are going through the "biting stage" and not to worry. She said my daughter will outgrow it, but I don't want it to happen again! What should I do?
Horrified Mom

Dear Mom:
It is perfectly normal for toddlers to bite and perfectly normal for parents to be very upset and embarrassed about it. Your child's teacher is partly correct. Toddlers often go through a period of grabbing or biting things. They don't always have words to express their emotions and often communicate physically by hitting or biting. Children can also be very oral, or focused on their mouths while they are learning language. Biting is an unwelcome result of that focus. As toddlers grow, learn language to communicate, and learn social rules, the biting phase ends with few or no mishaps. But, biting can become a problem for some children, so you are right to be concerned. Thankfully, there are many ways to deal with aggressive behavior calmly and effectively if it should happen again. Here are some suggestions for helping your child if she is biting:

• Be a detective. Find out why your child is biting or hitting. Does your child get excited and try to kiss too hard? Is your child angry and responding aggressively to another? Is your child under stress? Is your child copying another child? Knowing why your child is biting or hitting is the first step in planning an intervention.
• Let your child know that biting is not OK. Calmly tell your child "no biting" or "no hitting" and offer an acceptable alternative behavior, like biting a pillow or...
• Use time-out if necessary. Some children need to be removed from the situation for a few moments of time-out.
• Pay attention to the victim. Teach your child the consequences of biting by comforting the victim.
• Never hit or bite back. That sends a hurtful, scary, and confusing message to the child that some people (big adults) are allowed to bite.
• Be ready with a hug. Let your child know that you still love him/her, even when you have to set limits.
• For more helpful hints on biting or other challenges in parenting toddlers, read: Kutner, L. (1995). Toddlers and Preschoolers: The Parent Child Series: Avon Books: NY.

Emotional-Behavioral Regulation II: Sharing and Turn Taking
Sharing and turn taking can be very difficult for toddlers. They are just beginning to learn social rules and how to behave with other children. These new skills are very hard to master! Toddlers still believe they are the center of the universe, and this egocentric thought prevents them from fully understanding another person's needs. They may be beginning to understand the concept of ownership ("mine!"), but their egocentric thought leads them to conclude that they own everything! Imagine their horror when toddlers are asked to hand over a toy to another child! Toddlers' limited understanding of sharing, their neediness and their impulsivity all contribute to the enormous difficulty of sharing. Don't expect to see much sharing until your toddler gets older and more social.

Emotional-Behavioral Regulation III: I'm Big, But I Still Want My Blankie
The push-pull of toddlerhood-wanting to be independent, but needing to be close to a parent-continues with the eighteen-month-old. You may be feeling confused and frustrated with the messages your child gives you. One minute your toddler demands to dress "me self," and another minute your toddler is clinging to your legs and refusing to go to childcare. This is a tough time for both toddlers and parents. Your child is feeling a full range of emotions at growing up-from excitement to fear and anxiety. You may both be exhausted with the intensity of it all.

Comforting objects-sometimes called transitional objects-may be very important to your child at this time. Blankies, stuffed animals, or pacifiers can be familiar comforts to toddlers who are overwhelmed with new independence and growing separation from parents. You may find yourself packing that old raggedy bunny every time you go out, or frantically calling childcare if that favorite blanket gets left behind. A transitional object is a helpful and healthy way for your child to cope with this difficult period of development.

Development: Talking and Reading
You may be discovering that your child's vocabulary is getting bigger every day! Eighteen month olds typically blossom with new language skills. They can name many objects, identify actions, ask questions and string a few words together to make sentences. Some of what your child says may be difficult to understand, but with time, you can puzzle it out.

Books and reading aloud are important ingredients in your child's language development. Children who are read to are better prepared to learn to read. Listening to books and stories is also a great way to develop your child's language skills. At eighteen months, children typically can point to named objects and actions in pictures. They may listen to a story for a minute or longer. And they may have a favorite book that they want you to read over and over again. These book activities are important learning experiences for children and will be wonderful memories for your child.

Make simple books with your toddler. Take photos of your toddler throughout the day. Choose pictures of familiar activities and toys that your toddler will recognize. Paste the photos on heavy paper and fasten the papers together to make a book. Toddlers love "reading" all about themselves!

Family Life & Social Support: How Well Do You Take Care of Yourself?
The toddler years bring with them the excitement of new development, along with the difficulty of parenting a growing toddler. Both toddlers and parents can feel exhausted and stressed during this time of change. Just as your toddler needs care, rest and nutrition to stay healthy, you need support, care, and refueling to keep up with the demanding job of parenting. How do you take care of yourself when you're caring for your toddler? How do you rest and refuel? What supports do you turn to when you're feeling stressed?

Take a few minutes to answer the following questions about caring for yourself. Invite your partner to answer the questions too. Compare your answers. Are there ways to better care for yourself during this stressful time?

• Recall what you have eaten in the last 24 hours.
• How many hours of sleep do you average a night?
• When was the last time you exercised? What did you do?
• What two things do you enjoy doing just for yourself such as a hobby or special activity? When was the last time you did either of those things?
• Who can you name as a support person in your life? Who can you turn to for help or comfort?
• When was the last time you congratulated yourself or someone congratulated you for all of your hard work?

Surviving the Toddler Years: Stress Management Tips for Parents

• Eat Well. Good nutrition helps you stay well and strong. Make sure you are getting enough fluids to keep you hydrated.
• Sleep. Get into a good sleep routine and sleep when you can. If you have a sleepless night, remember to make up for it later. Take a nap instead of washing the floor!
• Exercise. Just a few minutes of active walking or other movement every day helps combat stress. Take time when you can to walk, run, jump, or dance!
• Take time for you. Have a cup of tea. Get a babysitter and visit a friend. Take a warm bath. Start a hobby. After caring for your child all day, giving to yourself helps to refuel you emotionally.
• Don't forget to laugh. Humor can energize and heal. Don't forget to see the humor in parenting toddlers. It is a tough, but funny journey!
• Remember, "This Too Shall Pass." Remind yourself that your child will not always be a toddler. Your child will grow out of this challenging toddler behavior.
• Try a relaxation technique. Yoga, meditation, music and/or breathing exercises help many people. Stores, libraries and schools offer lots of materials and classes that could work for you. What have you got to lose?
• Make connections. Find support for the tough job of parenting. Join a play group. Talk to other parents. Don't go it alone!
• Get a babysitter. There are nurturing and reliable babysitters out there who can help. If cost is a problem, barter services. Trade baby-sitting hours with friends.
• Ask for help. If you're feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope, talk to your child's childcare provider, pediatric team or another trusted adult. There is help available. Asking for help is an important gift for yourself and your child.

Adapted from Healthy Steps. Edited and Compiled by the Center for Promotion of Child Development Through Primary Care