Divorce (Adapted from Healthy Steps)

How Divorce May Affect Children

There are mixed findings on the impact of divorce on children and families. While some studies say that it makes little difference in your child's overall development, others say that children from divorced families may experience difficulties in some areas of life. Although we cannot be sure of how your child will react to your divorce, here are some common challenges experienced by families:

• Some children continue to fantasize about their parents getting back together.
• In some cases, the child feels that the divorce was his or her fault. This happens most often among children under age 7, because young children do not yet understand cause and effect
• Many children worry about being abandoned. Some children worry that if parents leave each other, they may also leave their children. Because of this worry, children may test your limits by disobeying, just to find out how bad they can be and still have their parent stay with them.
• In many cases, the parent who is NOT living with the child(ren) may find it more difficult to set limits. This may be challenging for parents, and also for children, who may experience confusion and tests to their loyalty.

Girls and Boys May React Differently

Once again, no one can predict exactly how your child will respond to your divorce, but some research suggests that boys and girls may face different challenges, including the following:

• Children tend to act out more and be more aggressive right after a divorce, but this seems to be especially true for boys.
• Girls often seem to recover more quickly after a divorce, but may experience more problems as teenagers
• Girls are more likely than boys to feel "caught in the middle" of the divorce.
• Boys are more likely than girls to experience anger and punishment from their parents. In the years after a divorce, mother-son relationships seem to face more challenges than mother-daughter, father-son, or father-daughter relationships.
• Boys often behave better and get along with their mothers better once their mothers remarry, but mother-daughter conflict often increases during the first two years of remarriage.
• By the age of 5, gender is less important; relationships within the family and the creation of a nurturing, protective environment are what will influence your child the most.

What can you do to help your child through a divorce?

• Keep in mind that your child will want to test your limits by misbehaving more often. Try to set up a reward system for good behavior, and give your child incentives and reasons to be good.
• Ask your doctor to be your child's advocate during a custody dispute. You and your spouse have lawyers but your child does not. Having a doctor offer support for what s/he thinks is the best living situation for your child could influence your child's future in a positive way.
• Get a mediator to work with you on the conflicts that arise between you and your spouse during custody battles and financial difficulties. The less stress you experience in the divorce, the less stress your children will experience.
• Children naturally go through many lifestyle changes during a divorce. It's important to establish and maintain a new routine right away to help them feel more secure.
• Reassure your child that the divorce was not his fault and, more importantly, there is nothing he can do to get your and your former spouse back together as a couple. It is important that your children learn to express their feelings about the divorce but at the same time learn to accept that the divorce is permanent. Family counseling, support groups for divorced children, or talking to a minister, rabbi, or school counselor may be helpful.

Adapted from Healthy Steps. Edited and Compiled by the Center for Promotion of Child Development Through Primary Care 2011