Collaborative Problem Solving

Parents are quick to assume that when a child is not behaving, it is because they are not motivated to do well. Dr. Ross Greene challenges this belief, saying that children who can do well, will do well. It is natural for people to use their abilities as best as they can in different circumstances (e.g. school, at home).

When children have challenging behaviors (for example, not taking out the trash when told to) it is not because they do not want to do something. It is because they lack skills (for example, do not feel confident about doing well).

When a child is being asked to do something beyond what their skills allow them to do, challenging behaviors occur.

Many people have a challenging behavior that they use when outside demands become too much: crying, screaming, swearing, sulking, etc. When you consider that this reaction is due to lack of skills, not a lack of motivation, your response changes from corrective (telling them what to do) to instructive (teaching them the skills to respond to this same situation better in the future).

As a parent, you must listen to the needs of your child and pay close attention to the times when challenging behaviors occur.

These behaviors will most likely occur in similar situations every time. It is important to remember that each child has unique skills, needs, and challenging behaviors, so you must respond to each as an individual. Your reaction to their problem will be important in helping them develop useful skills.

If you show that you are willing to listen and constructively respond to problems, your child will learn to do the same.

Just by really listening, it helps children learn adaptive skills and makes the demands on them seem easier. Together, these reduce challenging behaviors.

The three steps for successful collaborative problem solving are:

• Empathy/Reassurance - this is the "really listening" part where you identifying the problem. It is not giving advice, not trying to fix a problem, but just listening. Ask your child about the problem ("what"s up with ..." ) and then really listen. Your child will not open up to you if they do not feel they can without being judged.
• Define the Problem - after listening, you should have a good idea of what situations provoke a bad reaction from your child. At this point, you may share your feelings because you understand your child's needs and want to tell him/her that you can work together to make things better.
• Invitation to Solutions - now you may work with him/her to come up with a list of ideas on how to meet both of your needs.
  For example: "If I do my chores Monday-Wednesday and get a head start on Thursday chores, I can go to Joey's after school on Thursday" or "If I am allowed to go to Joey's on Monday, I will finish my chores by 4 PM Tuesday-Friday so I still have time for homework".

Dr. Greene has described Collaborative Problem Solving as "crisis prevention" rather than crisis management. It is not very effective if your child is having a meltdown and you are doing nothing to stop the bad behavior in the moment. You should not choose to teach or collaborate during a crisis. It is best to choose a neutral time when you are sure you can devote yourself to listening.

When you ask your child to do something and he/she refuses, the natural instinct may be to force your child to do it (e.g., "but you have to") or coerce ("the other kids are going to call you names if you don't shower before school"). It may seem fine because people do this all the time, but it is important to consider how you feel as an adult when others try to coerce or impose their will on you. Chances are, you do not like being forced to do things - and neither does your child.

Instead, try to let the smaller issues go if you know they will cause a breakdown. Your goal should be to teach (through example) the skills your child needs to meet greater demands. The smaller demands may not even trigger challenging behaviors after the skills have begun to develop.

For more information on Collaborative Problem Solving, you can watch these videos of Dr. Greene, read Dr. Greene's book The Explosive Child, or go to his website www.livesinthebalance.org.