My teenager wants to know "Am I gay"?

Many adults who are gay say they always knew since they time they were young children that they were different. But for children things may not seem so clear when they are living through feelings of being "different". Even for adolescents there is a great deal of pressure to be sure of their sexuality. Sometimes there is pressure to "come out". And sometimes there is pressure to "fit in" and act straight. All of this can be overwhelming for your child to deal with alone.

And it can be overwhelming for parents to deal with too! Let's face it, most parents don't wish their children will be gay. But, as parents, we don't get to pick if they are gay or straight. It just happens one way or the other. Openly talking with your child early on about homosexuality is important. It is an easy way to spare your child feelings of confusion and isolation should he turn out to be gay. Also he will probably feel much more comfortable coming to you in the future with questions. If your child should turn out to be gay, be honest with yourself about how you feel. Feeling such as guilt, estrangement, shame, fear, anger and guilt are very common. There are many national and local support groups for parents of gay children. If you must, set your feeling aside and find ways to support your child as he figures out what it means for his life.

Here are some things you can do or tell your child to help them.

• Reassure your child that figuring all this out takes time. There is no rush.
• Tell your child that there is no one way to "know" if you are gay.
• Sexuality has a wide range. Usually people are not simply "gay" or "straight".
• Many people are gay. About 3 to10% of people are estimated to be gay or bisexual.
• Being homosexual, lesbian, gay or bisexual is not a choice. People are born this way.
• Be open and non-judgmental with your child. No matter what your personal beliefs, try to be supportive.
• Ask questions about your child's thoughts instead of asking the definitive "Are you gay?". This leaves communication much more open-ended and may make it easier for your child to trust you. They will feel you care and are listening. Ask things like:
• Do you know any other kids who are gay?
• What do you think it would be like to be gay?
• Have you ever felt attracted to people of the same sex?
• How would things change for you if you were?
• Encourage them to find other outlets to talk about their feelings like a support group. This can help them figure out how they feel.
• If you child is asking if they are gay they are old enough to know all the basics about sex. Teach them about their bodies, safe sex practices and the risks of STD's, pregnancy and AIDS.
• Due to social pressures, many gay or questioning teens feel depressed or anxious. Sometimes they might talk about hurting themselves or others. Talk to your doctor right away if your child is showing any of these behaviors.

Books:

Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex, but Were Afraid They'd Ask: The Secrets to Surviving Your Child's Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens, by Justin Richardson and Mark Schuster, 2004.

Beyond Acceptance : Parents of Lesbians & Gays Talk About Their Experiences, by Carolyn Griffin, Marian Wirth, 1997.

Straight Parents, Gay Children, by Robert A. Bernstein, 1995.

Always My Child: A Parent's Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered or Questioning Son or Daughter, by Kevin Jennings and Pat Shapiro, 2002.

Organizations:

Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. 1726 M Street, NW, Suite 400,Washington, D.C. 20036. Phone: 202-467-8180, Fax: 202-467-8194. On the web at http://www.pflag.org/

Gay, Lesbian and Straight Educational Network, 121 West 27th Street,Suite 804,New York, New York 10001. Phone: 212-727-0135. Fax: 212-727-0254. On the web at http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/all/about/index.html.