Temper Tantrums

Temper tantrums are quite common and NORMAL for toddlers and young children. But they can challenge even the most confident parent. Take some time to discuss temper tantrums with your partner and childcare provider. Then read on for more information about what temper tantrums are and how you can manage them with your child. Remember to ask your pediatric team for help with this parenting challenge!

Temper tantrums happen often among kids aged 18 months to 4 years. As unpleasant as tantrums can be, nearly all children have them, beginning as early as 9 months of age. They happen most frequently between 15 and 36 months. And then there is another burst again around 6 years of age.

One of the biggest jobs for toddlers is how to handle their feelings. This is a big task, indeed, so at times children's emotions get out of control ... and a tantrum results. During a tantrum children scream, cry and may kick their feet or even throw themselves to the floor. Tantrums are most common when toddlers are tired, hungry, frustrated, need attention, or are stressed. In addition, toddlers' feelings of wanting to grow up but wanting to be a baby can lead to a tantrum. Most tantrums last about 90 seconds. After that time children are often looking for something to distract them or make them more upset. Talking to children during this time can make children more upset and make the tantrum last longer. There are many things that parents can do to deal with their child;s temper tantrums. Here are some ways you can minimize their impact on both you and your child.

• Remember, tantrums are normal. They typically appear at around 15 months of age. They can vary in intensity and length. It all depends on your child's temperament.
• Prevention is the key. Anticipate when your child may get overloaded, hungry, tired, or cranky and tantrum. Help your child by changing your behavior. Is your child too tired or hungry to go to the store with you? Are transitions hard for your child? Is that forbidden object still within your child's sight and reach?
• Stop the tantrum before it starts. When you think your child is about to tantrum, distracting him/her with a toy or some attention may stop a tantrum before it starts. Draw your child's attention away from a situation that may spark a tantrum.
• Give choices. You can diffuse a tense situation by offering your child choices. If your child can't play with the phone, can you offer a toy instead? If it is bedtime, can your child choose what books to bring to bed? Choices give some control back to your child, but your rules can still stand firm.
• Pick your battles. Good limit setting will be the most effective strategy. Your child will be less confused and overwhelmed if you have only a few simple rules to follow. What are the most important rules for your child's well-being? What limits are necessary to keep your child safe?
• If a tantrum happens, let your child work it out. Your role is to keep your child safe during a tantrum, not to stop it. Your child needs to work through his/her emotions. Sit quietly close by while your child tantrums. Do not beg and plead with your child to get him/her to stop. If your child is physically tantruming and may hurt him/herself, you may have to hold your child gently and take him or her to a safe place (like pillows on the floor).
• Low and slow. If your child continues to tantrum, get down on his/her level and talk very quietly and calmly. Reassure your child and try to get eye contact. Talk about his/her big emotions. This can help calm children.
• Be ready with a hug. Your child needs to be reassured of your love after a tantrum. Tell your child how much you love him/her and let your child know everything is okay.
• Do not give in to your child's demands. Letting your child have what he or she wants to stop a tantrum is not helpful. It will only send a message to your child that tantrums get you what you want. If your child wants a toy or a treat that you said he/she cannot have, do not give in because of a tantrum. Set firm and loving limits.
• Check in with yourself. Never react to your child in anger or frustration. Tantrums can be very hard to manage. You may need a time out for yourself before you respond to your child. If possible, get your spouse or another caregiver to step in if you need a break.
• Ask for help. If tantrums happen a lot or are very intense, have your child evaluated for any gaps in his/her skills such as trouble or delay in talking.

If tantrums often last more than 3 minutes talk to your pediatric team. They have a lot of resources to help with your child's challenging behavior.

Adapted from Healthy Steps.