Principles of Limit Setting

The most important thing your child needs is your love and approval. Because of this need, your child will want to respond to and meet your expectations. Your expectations should be fair and consistent. This will help your child gain control over their behavior. Because you understand the world better than your child does, it is right to set limits. Reasonable limits make your child feel protected. Also knowing the rules will be the same helps your child relax.

Most homes do not need many rules. Your child will understand and accept limits better when she helps make the rules. You can make up rules with your child by discussing the reasons for the rules, such as safety, cleanliness or respect.

When you make a request, get your child's attention, then only ask once. If they do not follow your instruction take them with you while you do the task. Praise any cooperation your child puts forth. This is called "One request and then move."

It's true that rules work best when used in the same way by all people raising a child. However, your child can get used to different rules with different people in different places. It is better to expect your child to adapt to these differences than to show your conflicts about them.

Sometimes rules should be enforced flexibly to meet the needs of a "special occasion." It's better to change the rule before the child asks, so you don't look manipulated. Instead of weakness, this shows a healthy kind of flexibility. Being consistent, yet flexible, with rules is a hard balance for any parent. The following things can make this even harder.

• Feeling reluctant to enforce consistent rules because your child might feel stressed or upset.
• Feeling uncomfortable handling your child's anger when a limit is set.
• When you, your spouse or your child care provider have very different rules for your child.
• Stress in other areas in your life.
• Too many rules or rules that are too rigid.
• In the past if you have had to deal with anger in your own life, it can make it harder to deal with angry feelings from your child.
• Not having as much time together with your child as you would like.

If any of these things are true for you, you might try talking about them with your child's doctor. You could also talk to a social worker, counselor, minister or rabbi. When you resolve these kind of issues, you will find limit setting easier and more effective.