Communicating With Children

It is important to understand and listen to your child's feelings and emotions. How you communicate with your child affects how your child feels about himself/herself. It also tells your child how you feel about him/her.

Listening To Children

• Listen with your feelings and your eyes not just your ears. Watch for and respond to the child's attempts to communicate.
• Children often tell us how they are feeling through their body and emotions. This is especially true when they have strong emotions. Their actions usually reflect their feelings more than their words. For example, a child may hide when ashamed or jump up and down when proud.
• We listen best when we are silent, keep our eyes on our child, and do not do something else at the same time.
• Children often tell us how they are feeling through stories about others. For example, your child might say that her imaginary friend wants to do something she wants to do. Or, your child might make an animal do what s/he is afraid to do. You can assume this is your child's own desire or fear and respond directly to your child.
• If you feel a certain emotion when you are with your child, your child is probably feeling that way. Ask your child if s/he is feeling that way.
• Echo what your child is saying for both its content and its feelings without adding anything of your own. Say something like "I hear you saying ___. You seem to feel ____." Make your body posture, tone of voice and speed of speaking reflect how you think your child is feeling. You may need to guess and describe with words the feelings s/he is expressing with her body or actions. Wait at least one minute before saying anything else. During this time your child may show that s/he can resolve the problem on his/her own!
• Try not to show your own emotions when listening to your child. This will allow your child to freely express themselves. Don't judge your child's emotion even if your child needs help with his/her actions.

Talking To Children

• When praising, correcting or telling your child what to do, keep it short, simple and specific! This is important even if your child speaks really well. Speaking like this increases the chances that your child will get the message rather than getting distracted.
• Praise or thank your child for small specific things. Your child may not believe more general praise from you, like 'You are so wonderful.'
• Use a second sentence to say more about your thoughts. Or, ask a question to show you are really interested.
• For every time you correct your child, try to praise them 10 times.
• Speak to your child often, about every five minutes. This lets them know you are thinking about them.
• Use lots of praise other than words, like touches, hugs, winks, pats, stickers, notes, etc.
• Praise your child to other adults when s/he can hear.
• Correct your child in private as much as you can, especially away from peers or siblings.
• Praise your child for not misbehaving. For example, thank your child for not interrupting you when you are on the phone.
• Don't spoil praise by following it with criticism. For example, "Thanks for cleaning up your room! Why don't you do this every time I ask?"
• Use statements that begin with "I" to show your own reaction and help your child consider your feelings. For example, "I really like the way you were sharing your crayons with your sister." When you share your own feelings, you are teaching your child how to share her feelings. Also, it tells your child that s/he is not the cause of all your upsets.
• As your child gets older, help him/her evaluate his/her own behavior. For example, "What do you think of your drawing?"

Adapted from Healthy Steps. Edited and Compiled by the Center for Promotion of Child Development Through Primary Care 2011