How Do I Avoid Making the Mistakes My Parents Made?

Often we find ourselves making the same mistakes that our parents made. Try some of the following strategies to prevent that from happening:

• Be aware that each day is a new day. Situations you experience now are different from your past. You can behave differently from your parents, even if the situation seems the same. Keep this in mind.
• You can use an 'anchor' to reassure your child that she is safe now. This can be a touch, thought, or phrase you use in uncomfortable situations.
• Similarly, you can use a 'trigger' thought to remind you of how you want to act. This can be as simple as thinking of a parent that you want to be like. Or try thinking of a positive memory from your childhood. Perhaps there was an adult, like a coach or teacher, who made you feel good about yourself. Remember how you felt then. Try to do things with your child that will make him or her feel the same way.
• With your spouse or partner, create a signal for you to use if one is losing control, so the other can take over.
• Replace spankings with time out. Use time out at an early age so that you never have to resort to physical discipline.
• Explain rules to your child in a calm voice and have a consequence for disobeying. Give your children reasons for those consequences, so they understand where you are coming from.
• Watch your children closely. React to your child's aggression promptly and calmly starting from an early age. Use neutral facial expressions when you discipline your child.
• Assure your child that acting bad is not the main way of getting your attention. Reward your child for good behavior.
• Notice how you act differently and what a positive difference that makes with your child. Pat yourself on the back for making these important changes!

Adapted from Healthy Steps. Edited and Compiled by the Center for Promotion of Child Development Through Primary Care 2011