Handling Anger and Countering Abuse

(Adapted from Bright Futures in Practice, Mental Health, citing: Dawson M. 1996. Tools to Counter Abuse: Raising Whole, Health Children. Parent Soup. www.parentsoup.com/library/abuse/041398.html; KidsPeace. 1999. 24 Ways You Can Prevent Child Abuse. Bethlehem, PA: KidsPeace. www.kidspeace.org/facts/material_request/material1.stm; National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse (currently Prevent Child Abuse America). 1998. Ten Ways to Prevent Child Abuse in Your Community. Chicago, Illinois: National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse; Prevent Child Abuse America. 1999. Twelve Alternatives to Lashing Out at Your Child. Chicago, Illinois: Prevent Child Abuse America. www.preventchildabuse.org/alterntv.html.)

• Before there is a problem, set house rules and talk about what will happen if your child or children misbehave. It is important to do this ahead of time so that discipline is not simply an angry response. You may need to correct a toddler many, many times before he understands a rule. Most young children want so much to learn what the rules are that they test a "sometimes rule". This is their way of finding out what the rule really is. Sometimes parents think that their child simply does not care about what he or she is saying; actually, it may be the child who cares the most about what the parent wants, and they test this by pushing the rule. If your rules are changing, you should expect this type of response.
• If what your child is doing is dangerous, make sure that you provide a strong, fast response.
• If what your child is doing is not dangerous, you must decide whether to get up and help your child move or do what you want. If not, you may be setting yourself up for inconsistent requests that will confuse your child. This can often lead parents to become frustrated and angry.
• Take five. When tensions and anger rise, take five. It is normal to feel angry at times about things your child does, but you should not lash out at your child in anger. Take a deep breath and count to 10 or 20 before you act. You may feel that it is best to wait five minutes before responding. Give yourself time to cool down.
• Never strike your child in anger. Hitting your child when angry will not help, and almost always does more damage. Remember it is never OK to shake, throw, or hit a child.
• No yelling allowed if it is not a safety emergency. Words hurt, too. Never yell at your children in anger or insult them. If they break a rule, tell them what they did wrong and why that makes you angry. Be angry at what they did, NOT at who they are.
• Get away. When you feel frustrated, angry, or like you can't deal with things, vent your feelings away from your children. You may want to:
• Go to your bedroom. Hug a pillow.
• Turn on some music. Maybe even sing along.
• Take a hot bath or splash cold water on your face.
• Call a friend over or leave your children with someone trustworthy.
• If someone can watch your children, go outside. Exercise.
• Do not stay alone with your children when you are overwhelmed. Get help.
• Seek mental health services. Many people who abuse children were once victims of abuse, themselves. They may never have worked through the feelings that resulted from this abuse. Have you ever been sexually abused? Have you ever been physically abused? If so, talking to a mental health professional about it can help. If you need a referral for mental health services, talk to your primary care provider. The more you understand about yourself, the better you'll be able to help your child.
• Say "no" to drugs. Forbid the use of illegal substances in your home. Alcohol and drug abuse strongly increases the risk of child abuse. If you, a relative or friend is dependent upon chemical substances, get help.
• Interview your babysitters. Check out every babysitter. Meet them before you hire them. Let your child meet them, too. If your child is uncomfortable, don't hire that person. Set clear rules for bedtime and discipline. Avoid having baby sitters bathe your children.
• If you are not sure how to encourage good behavior in your child, you may want to take a parenting class. You may also speak to a health professional about good ways to discipline your child.