Fears in Early Childhood

Toddlers show their fears at times of rapid growth, when they are mastering new skills that make them more independent. At times, their fears are overwhelming. Sometimes what was familiar yesterday is scary today. Suddenly toddlers become afraid of the dark, of noises or of animals as they learn to walk and move away from your protection. If your child is showing fear of dogs, showing her a nice dog may not lessen her fears.

Fears are typical of early childhood when children often blend what is imaginary and real. Because children have difficulty controlling impulses (like anger) at this age, they may worry that others do also. Think about whether some of the following suggestions may be helpful for your child's fears:

• Take the time to introduce a new person or situation to your toddler. This tells him that this new person is okay to play or interact with. "This is Sherry. She came to visit us today." Prepare children for changes in your routine as you begin your day.
• Accept toddlers' fears. Give them words and other ways to express their fears, so that you help them learn to handle their fears. "You feel scared of the dog's barking." Never belittle their fears ("I know it feels scary when it thunders. I'll stay with you so you will feel safe"). To your child, this fear is very real.
• Stay calm when your child shows you that he is afraid. Your own attitude and presence are comforting and important to him.
• When your child seems fearful, don't push her into the activity. You might help her by joining the activity yourself or by introducing her to another child who is already participating. You know your child's temperament and how she reacts to new situations. If she is a "slow-to-warm-up" child, give her the time to adjust to the new setting.
• When an infant or a young toddler seems fearful, you may be able to distract her to another activity or toy.
• Listen to what your child says makes him afraid and think about how it might reflect stress in his life, especially at day care or school, and ask about these. For example, he may be afraid of a rough peer where something really needs to be changed.
• Play-act some of your child's fears, with your child acting as the scary thing and you playing the role of a scared child. If she is afraid of noises encourage her to make even louder noises herself in play.
• If your child is scared of something specific like airplanes, read about them, make a scrapbook of airplane pictures, go on field trips to visit some, make up plays about them, tell jokes, etc. to help him gain control and understanding.
• Give positive reinforcement for any improvement in bravery by praising your child for each specific example. Consider reinforcing this further with a sticker or small reward when appropriate.
• Assess if television violence may be contributing to your child's fears. Television violence can make children scared even if they want to watch it and say it does not bother them. So-called "children's programs" actually have 10 times more violence than adult shows. Violence, including arguing, in the home is often frightening. Children worry that their parents will get hurt, upset, or even leave. If there is violence in your home, you should talk to your doctor or someone you trust.
• Reduce pressure for toilet training. Some children get very worried that they will have an accident especially if you punish them or are very critical of mistakes. Their tension about this may show up in an unrelated fear.
• Provide clear and safe controls for your child's aggression. Children get very worried if no one is stopping them from being rough, even if they complain when you do. Spanking children can also make them frightened and angry even if they do not show it at the time.
• Give your child repeated brief explanations of what is real and what is not. Do not make your child ashamed that she is afraid. Think together with her about ways to feel safe. Ideas include spraying her bedroom with "monster spray" or waving a broom at the closets as part of your bedtime ritual to show that you are using your power to protect her.
• Avoid reassuring your child too much! It may alarm your child or give him a chance to get a lot of attention for reporting fears.
• Provide night lights and special objects like blankets or stuffed animals without criticizing your child for wanting them. Leave the light on if he wishes.
• Make a special trip to buy your child a flashlight that she can use to look around the room and see that things are all right. This gives her a sense of control over her fears.
• Read or tell your child stories or watch videotapes about children mastering their fears.
• If your child is having scary dreams, talk with him about less scary ways the dream might end. Encourage him to think of his dreams ending in positive ways before he goes to sleep at night.
• Learn together about relaxation exercises that your child can use when she is tense. There are audiotapes at your library to demonstrate this, or check out www.changeforgood.com.
• Have a bedtime routine in which you have soothing activities in your child's bed such as stories or songs instead of television. Make this routine short enough so that you can do it every night the same way without resenting the time. Stay with your child for a while until she feels relaxed. Promise to come back to check her in 5 minutes and during the night to let her know you are available.
• If your child's fears continue or start to get in the way of family activities, school functioning, or relationships with friends, ask your health care provider for more advice.