Using Effective Commands

It is normal for children to not comply every once in a while, but when children are frequently non-compliant it can lead to problems in family life and at school. As a parent, there are things you can do to increase your child's compliance with your commands. The way you tell a child to do something has a big impact on compliance. Try following the tips below when giving commands and note if the way you give commands changes the frequency of compliance.

Tip #1: Make sure you mean it!

• Do not give a command unless it is really necessary.
• Before you give a command, ask yourself "does my child really need to do this?"
• If the answer is no, then you do not give a command. Instead, ask your child to comply (rather than giving a command). For example, you may want your child to pass the salt but you may not really need your child to pass it. Try asking your child to pass the salt ("Could you please pass the salt?").
• If you ask, rather than giving a command, be willing to accept a "no," and move on.
• As your child gets better and better at complying (after using the tips below), you will be able to require your child to do more and more.

Tip #2: When a command is necessary (your child must do something)-phrase your command in a way that increases the chances of compliance.

• Do not present the command as a question or favor (say "Put your shoes on," rather than "Would you mind putting your shoes on?")
• Only give one command at a time (say "Put your shoes on," rather than "put on your shoes, coat, and hat")
• Tell your child what she can do. Be specific. Avoid unclear or limited statements, such as "please behave," or "stop it." (say "put your shoes on," rather than "get ready to go")

Tip #3: Make sure your child is paying attention to you.

• To be sure you have your child's attention, get down to your child's level and make eye contact.
• If necessary, reduce distractions by turning off the television, music, or computer.
• One way to ensure your child heard you is to ask him/her to repeat what you just said, (for example, "What did mommy just ask you to do?")

Tip #4: Use transitional warnings when appropriate.

• Some commands may be more effective when preceded by a transitional warning (for example, say "In 5 minutes it will be time to turn off the television")

Tip #5: Be prepared to give a consequence for non-compliance

• If there is no consequence for not complying, children quickly learn that they do not have to listen.
• Teach your child that when you tell them to do something, you mean it.
• If your child does not start to comply within 5 seconds (for example, reach for his shoes when you tell him to put his shoes on), then give an "if-then" statement.
• For example, "if you do not put your shoes on right now, you will not get to pick the radio station in the car."
• Effective consequences are generally losing a privilege (e.g. going to a friend's house, watching TV, or playing a game) and affect the child soon after the misbehavior (for example, immediately turning off the TV or putting away toys).
• Avoid consequences that are emotionally charged like yelling, insulting your child, hitting or spanking as these can actually escalate your child's misbehavior and can hurt your relationship with your child.

Tip #6: If your child complies, immediately reward your child with praise or by giving your child a special privilege

• Rewarding your child after compliance will teach him/her that good things happen after complying. Ultimately, your child will want to comply more in the future!
• You can praise your child by saying, "thank you so much for doing what I said," "You did a wonderful job putting your toys away," or "you are wonderful at listening"

Special privileges need not be expensive or elaborate. Children often respond well to simple privileges like picking out cereal at the store, getting to push the button on an elevator door, picking the radio station in the car, getting to play with a special toy, or getting to watch a little more TV.

Example 1 (compliance)

A father sees that his son, Joe, is playing with blocks and it is almost dinner time He thinks, "do I need to give a command?" and decides he does

Father: "Joe, in 5 minutes it will be time for you to clean up your blocks." Son: "Ahhh, I want to finish what I am building!"

5 minutes passes

Father: "Joe put these blocks in the bin." (pointing to a small pile of blocks and then the bin) Son: slowly reaches for one block and throws it in the bin

Father: "Way to go! Thank you for putting your blocks away!" Father: "Now put this pile of blocks in the bin"

Example 2 (non-compliance)

It is morning and a mother is trying to get her daughter, Samantha, ready for school. Samantha is sitting on the couch. Mother: "Samantha, go brush your teeth."

The mother waits 5 seconds, but Samantha does not move. Mother: "Samantha IF you do not brush your teeth, THEN you will not get to sit in the front seat on the way to school.

The mother waits 5 seconds, but Samantha does not move. Mother: "You did not brush your teeth when told to, you do not get to sit in the front seat."

Eventually, Samantha goes and brushes her teeth. Mother: "Thank you for brushing your teeth. Since you did not listen when I asked you to brush your teeth, you do not get to sit in the front seat. If you listen tomorrow, then you will get to sit in the front seat."